When I’m browsing the gambling titles in the bookstore,
sometimes I come across general copy on basic strategy for all the modern,
common casino games. I typically judge this type of material on one factor
alone: comments on the game of keno. The very best advice I’ve ever seen was
very straightforward; it was one sentence and it simply read “never, ever play
keno.” Next chapter, thanks. Any other keno “strategy” is completely asinine.
Keno is the ugly, bastard child of the lottery. Players pick
a few numbers, 1 through 80, and if their numbers come in, they win. It’s
simple and fast. However, no casino game gives up more of an edge to the house
than keno. Contrary to games like craps and blackjack, where the house edge is
under 2%, the juice for keno is as high as 25%. It is gambling suicide.
I first encountered keno as it spread throughout bars on the
east coast, offering self-loathing drunks a way to piss their money away even
faster. When I started visiting casinos, I was amazed by the existence of keno parlors.
Inside, hoards of degenerates crawled, hands and knees, down towards inevitable
bankruptcy.
My favorite keno memory (pretty much my only keno memory, hence my “favorite”) comes from years back, when
I was drinking with a buddy at a local watering hole. He was bored and kept
bugging me about keno, begging me to pick some numbers. Finally, after an hour
of his badgering, in order to shut him up, I picked four numbers: 7, 13, 27,
and 77. Then, pain in the butt that he is, he didn’t even use my numbers! He
picked four other spots and submitted his ticket to the bartender. Well, we
proceeded to watch as my numbers hit one by one, game after game, racking up
over $900 in theoretical profit! Ugh…beer please.
Do you enjoy keno? Congratulations, I can unequivocally
state that you have a gambling problem. Seek help immediately.
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