Sunday, July 12, 2009

How to Be Drunk in a Casino

While I never advocate drinking to excess when gambling, here are a few pointers on handling the free lubrication that casinos offer.

For years I watched closely as a good friend wandered through Atlantic City and explored the nuances of these little bits of wisdom.

1) Be sure to utilize the long drive. Sure, the casinos might be a ways off, but you can take advantage of this opportunity to get properly juiced. Pick up a case of beer and, just as important, a paper cup from your local convenience store (this way those sneaky, good-time spoilers working for law enforcement will be none the wiser). This is also the ideal time to get amped up with some killer tunes that encourage serious pounding; AC/DC’s Back in Black and Guns N Roses’ Appetite for Destruction are personal favorites.

2) Just pretend you ordered that drink. Been on the casino floor for more than an entire minute and don’t have a drink yet? Sickened to death by the idea of waiting even one instant longer for a taste of more delicious alcohol? Combat this frustration by sidling up to the first waitress you spot with a friendly smile. Quickly eyeball her tray, and ask her if the (burbon/coke, gin/tonic, beer, whatever) is for you. For this move, it is essential to have a couple dollars tip visibly at the ready.

3) Use the slot machine coin cups to hold beer. Admittedly, this suggestion dates me, but the thimble-sized pittance of alcohol that some casinos offer is an embarrassment. Order two beers and when they arrive, order two more immediately. For convenience sake, combine them into one of the jumbo cups most casinos set out near the slot machines. Don’t worry about hygiene issues. Alcohol can kill anything…I thought you were a rock star anyway. And ignore the Judgey McJudgertons that you encounter; they are just jealous that they didn’t think of it first.

4) Be careful to avoid walking into mirrors. Casinos are designed like mazes to trap patrons inside and keep them gambling. Many rely upon mirrored walls, particularly around the restrooms, to create an atmosphere of luxury and the illusion of space. These facts can be extremely frustrating when drunk. For God’s sake ! Look where you’re going! And never. ever, under any circumstances, run inside! And, if you find yourself strolling toward someone wearing vaguely familiar clothing, and matching your stride step for step, don’t play a stubborn game of chicken and see who turns first.

5) Do not inquire about a dealer’s bra size. Sure, you might be having a grand ol’ time, burning experiences out of your already depleted brain cells, but it is important to remember that dealers are at work, and they might not share your exact sense of humor. Now, I know what you’re thinking; the average dealer is slightly north of petite and more than a couple years into peak menopausal activity. If you encounter one that doesn’t seem to be enjoying the party, do not try to build a conversation around the size of her brassiere. It’s large and amply filled; leave it at that. This is not a good ice-breaker.

Alcoholism is no laughing matter, but sometimes drunks can be pretty funny.

So, I have concluded, the best way to be drunk in a casino is to surround yourself with people who are drunker than you. Remember, it’s much funnier to watch someone get thrown out, than to actually get thrown out yourself.


  1. This is a great blog post. . It's really nice and
    informative post. Thanks so much.

  2. Thanks, great site.. your is one of very few blogs worth taking the time to read..

  3. Really nice review! Unboxing is the best part of getting something! thanks for a nice post.

  4. I am very impressed with this list! Thank you. It's really going to help me out.

  5. I appreciate it very much, at least I know from it someone is reading the contents I have here.

  6. Thank you for your hard work and sharing it with us. It goes well appreciated in my book.