Ever since I moved my address to a new state and lost my regular poker game, I try to get my Hold’em fix online. I prefer to stick with the micro or low stakes, just to keep fresh for my casino trips or to practice the madness of mutli-tabling. If you have never tried 9 tables at once, then let me assure you, the game is evolving into new realms of undiscovered chaos.
As I finished a session the other day and prepared to stand up from the virtual table, a player with the screen name “Eagle1512” sat down. What ensued was among the strangest and most entertaining examples of poker tilt I’ve ever seen on micro tables. I copied the chat box transcript and present pieces of it here, for educational purposes.
Eagle1512: ust dumping will tell what i have
Eagle1512: but all in every hand
Eagle1512: i will not lie
This was quite an eye-catching way to open the conversation at a new table. Many people are essentially donating at the table, but few are conscious about it and even fewer like to broadcast the fact. It is always hard to trust anything said at the poker table, so I had to stick around and see the results.
Eagle1512: 10 J off
Eagle1512: k 6 off
Eagle1512: Q3 OF DIAMNDS
After each of these claims, Eagle shoved an absurd 40 times the big blind. After no one called, he showed his hand and built a bizarre “come bust me” credibility. I figured we would see someone wake up with a real hand, bust him, and that would be the end of it.
After this 4th pronouncement, his strongest hand yet, a player with the screen name “jerrekjones” called, turned up a shocking 10-3 off-suit, sucked out, and won. Clearly jerrek didn’t care, but why wait until Eagle’s hand got stronger and his own hand was so weak? I made the decision that if Eagle reloaded, I was sitting back down. Maybe this was a vengeful ex-wife or a parent teaching an under-aged child a lesson about gambling.
Eagle1512: GOOD FOR U
Eagle1512: EVEN ON THESE TABLE IDIOT S THAT MAKE CALLS LIKE THAT ARE REWARDED
Eagle1512: THIS SITE IS A RIGGED PIECE OF C HIT
It should be noted that Eagle has shifted to caps lock at this point, online poker’s version of screaming. This moment also marks the introduction of personal attacks and profanity into the conversation. I like to call this phenomenon “microchip muscles.” People will spout out with offensive language online that they would never use in a face to face discussion, simply because they know they are in absolutely no physical danger. In addition to microchip muscles, we are also treated here to the “loser’s theme song.” It has two primary components: the other player is an idiot and the game is fixed. Eagle delivers these in textbook unison.
Thanks to the information age, I was quickly able the retrieve public data surrounding Eagle’s player history. In roughly 4,000 hands at micro and low stakes, across three different sites, on all of which he was a loser, Eagle was down over $500. Apparently, Eagle had met a lot of “idiots” online and found out that all poker sites are “rigged,” probably just like his own home game.
Eagle1512: I TOLD U WHAT I HAD AND CALLED WITH 10 3 OFF YOU PHUCKING MORON
Eagle1512: BUT THE SITE REWARDED UR STUPIDITY
Eagle1512: I HAVE DUMPED MY LAST FEW DOLLARDS AFTER GETTING TOTALLY PHUCKED BY THIS SITE THE PAST 2 DAYS
Eagle1512: REMEMBER TO MAKE UR TRAILER PAYMENT
After roughly 15 minutes of this, I found the premise of what I was witnessing becoming more and more humorous. Soon, the enraged Eagle began to attack jerrek’s nationality (Canadian) and cite scholarly evidence from the annals of world history. I have removed jerrek’s replies because they are actually rational and not nearly as hilarious.
Eagle1512: JUST REMEMBER AS S HOLE IF IT WASN'T FOR THE YANKS YOU WOULD BE SPEAKING GERMAN @&@ HOLE
Eagle1512: AND IF CANADA WAS WORTH ANYTHING IT WOULD BELONG TO THE USA
Eagle1512: YOU GUYS DID $!#$ ON A LITTLE DEFENDED BEACH U BUNCH OF CANADIAN PUSSIES
Eagle1512: OBVIOUSLY U HAVE NO GRASP ON REALITY OR HISTORY
Eagle1512: SO YOU SPEAK THE SAME MONKEY LANGUAGE AS THEY DO BIG PHUCKING DEAL THEIR ARMY IS A BIGGER BUNCH OF PUSSIES THAN YOURS
Eagle1512: IN THE WAR OF 1812 WE KICKED ENGLANDS #&& AGAIN DUMB PHUCKER
So, in summation, Eagle sits down, announces a strategy by which he would intentionally break himself, goes broke, and then explodes at the result. Unfortunately for me, he never reloaded…another 80 cents. That’s right, all of this rage was over the contents of a couple of couch cushions.
I conclude with Eagle’s closing remarks and wonder why people across the globe often have such a bad opinion of Americans.
Eagle1512: UR COUNTRY SUCKS AND SO DO U
Eagle1512: U DUMB ASSS DIK BREATH
Eagle1512: GO WIPE THE CUM OFF UR CHIN