Wednesday, October 6, 2021

Wack Vegas: The Venetian and Nazi Sex Freaks

 

Most casinos on the Las Vegas Strip are owned

and operated by either MGM or Caesars Entertainment, 

but The Venetian is run by Nazi sex freaks.

As we watched a crying prostitute dragged from the casino floor in handcuffs, I started to think over how different things are at The Venetian from the rest of Vegas…

Police Dogs- In town for a bachelor party, the groom had gotten a good price on two suites at The Venetian. At check-in, I watched as a security officer walked a dog through the lobby. A frequent Vegas visitor, I’d never seen this at any other hotel, and made a mental note.

The second day I watched as another dog walked through the poker room, directly between tables packed with players. As I happened to standing with a poker room floor manager, I inquired as to the unusual sight. He explained because the property is a “soft target,” they have heightened security measures.

“Ah,” I responded, “for bombs, suspicious packages, and such?”

“Yes,” said my suited interlocutor, before adding, “and drugs.” I hope I kept my poker face as my mind screamed. In a town with a poker community perpetually wrapped in the aromas of sativas and indicas, this is purely menacing harassment. Hard pass.

Cannabis Prohibition- Marijuana has been legal in Nevada for years now. It’s nothing to see tourists, enjoying their vacation, smoking everywhere. However, one night as we returned to the property, straight from a local dispensary, several people had cannabis products they had just purchased. Only one carried the bright, baby blue branded bag, like a neon bomb in his hand. A security guard, watching us approach, came from behind his special podium in the main lobby and stopped my friend; he stated, while it may be legal in the state, marijuana was still illegal according to federal law, which the property chose to enforce. And he escorted this paying guest towards the door.

My buddy went outside, shocked, but without a word of protest. I waited in the lobby, thinking he would simply remove his purchase, conceal it in his pockets, and dispose of the noticeable bag. But the guard had the attitude of someone who would continue the harassment, and I wanted to see how this mini drama played out. To his credit, my friend, casually walked around the side of the building, until he saw an employee entrance, and walked in, James Bond style, completely unmolested. Cheers, homie.

Racial Profiling- Driving up to The Venetian, whether through front or rear entrances, visitors will notice a couple security officers, stationed by cones, monitoring each lane of traffic. On my first arrival, our Uber was a van, packed with five guys. The officer stepped in front of the van, stating the windows were “too dark,” and demanded the driver open the doors, so he could inspect inside. It was strange and aggressive, and I noted a slight distain in our driver’s attitude as he complied.  

I thought nothing of the imposition until, after coming and going for several days, it became the only time I saw such treatment. When I realized the correlation was the Middle Eastern appearance of our driver that night, his grumbling became clear: just your average, every day, racial profiling.

Bonus Weirdness- While not on the level of these previous transgressions, there were two other highly suspect characteristics of The Venetian.

First, neither suite we occupied, with six registered guests, contained any glasses or cups. I’ve never, in my entire life, stayed at a hotel, motel, or Holiday Inn that didn’t at least have cheap plastic cups. My room at The Bellagio, for example, provided SIX glasses, both tall and stemless options, for a single bed. No idea what’s behind that bizarre management policy.

Secondly, located atop the refrigerator, among the overpriced nuts and waters, was a pastel gray and pink soda can. It looked non-descript, like a fancy sparkling water that any curious child would grab upon instinct. However, upon inspecting the can, one finds a list of sex toys that might be found in a truck stop bathroom: condoms, lubricant, light-up vibrating cock ring, etc…you know, just a grab bag of goodies for your average orgy. In all my decades of visiting casinos and staying in hotels, I’d never seen anything like it anywhere, much less in a multi-billion dollar property like The Venetian. Again, wowzers…

To be sure, The Venetian is a fancy hotel, complete with gold-fringed marble columns, fountains, and fresco murals painted upon the ceilings. But, after spending loads of time under its roof, I would never voluntarily stay there, nor do I intend to return as a player. The specter of Trump mega-donor, Sheldon Adelson still haunts the management style of the casino, and it leaves a grimy flavor of gaudy authoritarianism upon your soul: place is wack Vegas.


Sunday, May 30, 2021

Parlay the Moneyline: The Tricks of My Longest Sports-Betting Win Streak

 


Two weeks, Eleven games, Twelve bets, Nine Hundred jellybeans

For boom or bust, sports-gambling has sunk its claws into the online marketplace. In Tennessee, you can bet virtually any game in the world, all while sucking down Jack Daniels in your favorite watering hole. This type of availability can be dangerous for some, but played correctly, it can offer a pathway to easy money. Online gambling aided my longest win streak of sports-betting.

The sport was NFL and NCAA football and the streak began in the luxurious confines of the Bellagio Sportsbook, where even there (perhaps especially there), beautiful women, in tight-fitting MGM gear, urge gamblers to “try the app.” They want their customers to gamble, and gamble everywhere. Who needs to walk twenty feet when you can fire up your phone and plunk down a cool grand on the World Cricket finals?

Now, I’m just a recreational dabbler in games of chance, and not a pro by any means, but these methods can be profitable in the world of sports-betting (especially the FREE MONEY part).

            1) Online sites offer great bonuses just for making the first deposit. And the better ones continue to entice the inveterate sports prognosticators with odds so good, it amounts to free money. Add free daily pools into the mix and it’s possible to build a little bankroll. I’m not much of a sports-bettor, leaning more towards card games like blackjack and poker, so it’s only natural I still prefer the brick-and-mortar sportsbooks, but free money is always nice.

            The first deposit bonus gave me great odds for Alabama in The National Championship game and another free NFL bet, each of which lowered my risk and increased my payout.

            2) Central to this small streak is the reliance upon the moneyline. Most gamblers stick to the fabricated measure of the “point spread,” but this imaginary number has no impact on the motivations of players and coaches; they just want to win. I prefer the moneyline for favorites and usually take the point spread for the underdogs, which just buys a few points in addition to this natural desire to win.

Six of the eleven winners I picked failed to cover the point spread: I would’ve lost nearly every bet if I took the spread.

            3) Gamblers will groan about the lower payout of the moneyline favorites, so I offset that with parlays. Sure, a small payout for one easy winner isn’t much, but stacking a few easy winners can often offer even money. Less exposure, less stress.

            Every team I picked was nearly a touchdown favorite, but three of five parlays paid even money or better.

Bets and Results


Sportsbook

Date

Game

Spread/Result

WageràProfit

Bellagio

1/3/21

JAC@IND+

-15.5/-14

 

 

 

BAL@CIN+

-13.5/-35

 

 

 

ATL@TB

-7/-17

100à70

Bellagio

1/3/21

IND/BAL/TB+

 

 

 

 

PIT@CLE+

-10/-2

 

 

 

TEN@HOU

-7/-3

50à60

Bellagio

1/3/21

IND+

 

 

 

 

WAS@PHI

-6.5/-6

100à50

Bellagio

1/9/21

TB@WAS+

-10/-8

 

 

1/10/21

CHI@NO+

-11/-12

 

 

1/11/21

OSU@ALA

-9.5/-28

300à300

DraftKings

1/11/21

ALA

 

1à100

DraftKings

1/11/21

ALA

 

99à27.72

FanDuel

1/11/21

ALA

 

5à125

FanDuel

1/11/21

OSU@ALA

U79.5/ 76 (LIVE)

50à47.17

DraftKings

1/16/21

LAR@GB+

-7/-14

 

 

1/17/21

CLE@KC

-8/-5

FREEà56

DraftKings

1/17/21

KC

 

127.72à26

FanDuel

1/17/21

KC

 

25à5.21

FanDuel

1/17/21

KC

 

147.17à30.03

 

 

 

 

1004.89à897.1

 I’m no professional sports gambler, and my luck comes and goes with the fleeting whims of Lady Chance. But I do enjoy a “taste” now and then, and this streak had some good sweats to it: the quick field goals battles (TEN@HOU), the bizarre coaching decisions (WAS@PHI), and miracle touchdown reversals (OSU@ALA).

After some close calls, the streak was died when Conor McGregor turned back into a pumpkin. And the bad luck followed when Kansas City fell apart in the Super Bowl and Ohio St kept up the losing streak, choking in the first round of March Madness.

Well, can’t win ‘em all.  

Friday, October 4, 2019

Dealer Errors: "Do the Right Thing"


Anyone who has played a decent amount of blackjack knows dealers make the occasional mistake. They are typically quite rare, but they happen more frequently than a lot of people suspect. Changing player cash, adding hand totals, blackjack payouts: there is a lot of math to keep track of, and dealers are as human as us all. 

In fact, on my recent trip to Vegas, dealers made errors in both of my first two blackjack sessions. An experienced dealer, distracted by conversation, paid my pushed 17 and the next day a dealer swept my bet into the rack on another push, only to get corrected by me. Investment in attention pays good dividends.

The worst, and rarest dealer mistake I’ve encountered occurred at Harrah’s in Murphy, North Carolina. It’s a decent sized casino, although a baby compared to the monolithic mega-casinos of Vegas. I had just picked a $25 table to begin another session, laying $200 on the felt in front of me. The dealer spread the five $20 and two $50 bills, and proceeded to stack THREE hundred in chips!

“Changing three hundred,” he called to the pit critters behind him. I had to casually double check the math in my head a couple of times, before concluding the $50 bills, as relatively uncommon, had thrown him off. As often happens, the pit boss was busy and didn’t visually verify the payout; this time the lapse in procedure cost them $100.

I retold the experience to a non-gambling friend of mine, and she asked me if I did “the right thing.” Although it was opposite her meaning, I assured her that I very much did “the right thing” and kept the money. 

I will not feel weepy for a casino that pays me too much money. Casinos are not philanthropic entities, insuring social well-being; they are predatory, and exist mostly to relieve suckers and addicts of their money. In fact, that mistake was virtually my only win for the evening. 

There were three other players at the table, and I’m not sure they noticed, but they certainly joined my silence. I’m pretty sure the couple beside me briefly discussed the event in Chinese, before leaving the table a short time afterwards. I played for about half hour myself, and then went for a late dinner.

“Aren’t you worried the dealer will get in trouble?” my friend continued. I reasoned that if the casino makes these kinds of mistakes in the front of the house, I can only imagine what kind of shenanigans operate away from the public eye. Ray Charles might be head of surveillance. 

At the end of the evening, I changed my chips at the cashier. The young guy briefly chatted as he counted my money. “Counting money all day is hard. Sometimes your brain sees different than your eyes,” he remarked. We chuckled as I folded the bills in my wallet. 

“Weird,” I responded with a smile, and left for my truck in the night air.

This Bet Is Yuuuge (Part 2)



As I struggle to find a reason to ever get out of bed again, I ruminate upon the largest bet I’ve ever lost. Yeah, Trump’s upset cost me $750; I’ve lost bigger poker pots, but never a single bet. The real loss makes the even mention of money profane.
I’ve never been more wrong in my life; and, the world literally burned around me. Controlled wildfires in the woods around Chattanooga filled the air with smoke, irritating the lungs, with local officials recommending people stay indoors. Then, Gatlinburg, Tennessee’s vacation Mecca, burned to ashes.
The 2016 presidential election represents a previously unfathomable betrayal. But worse, this loss is a death, more accurately a national suicide, with Trump as the bullet exploding the country’s brain. America is dead, it’s proud democracy a failure.
Voters and political pundits discounted Trump’s rhetorical skill, refusing to acknowledge the 4th grade vocabulary and gorilla speak of a schoolyard bully. But now, even the educators, professional thinkers and talkers, must relearn a painful lesson: fear and rage are often more powerful than logic and empathy.
People mocked Trump’s business acumen, listing a litany of failed enterprises, scams, defaults, and bankruptcies: nearly a billion dollar loss in a single year. They laughed at his vague assertion that he “makes the best deals,” while he weaved his most sinister one before their eyes: a 60 million vote con-job.
But, how would a gambler handle the national tragedy? Double down…
Now, the glimmer of impeachment has begun, I may get some money back. I put money on Trump not making it through his four years. I get double if he doesn’t live through it. It’s the first time, to my recollection, I have bet on someone’s death; and I’m certainly NOT cheering for anyone to die, buuuuuttt I do stand to make a couple extra bucks. Fast food is not a good diet, golf carts are not exercise, and Trump is past average life expectancy. Tick, tock mother fucker.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Oh Canada!: NHL Fantasy Franchise Bet


            As I made my yearly journey to down Alabama for a Fantasy Football draft, the other owners tried to bring me into a long-term bet on the NFL. The bottom ten teams in the NFL were drafted, with the owner owing $100 each year until one of them wins the Super Bowl. A version had just finished with the Bronco’s victory last season, the winner taking $7,000. The boys wanted me to take the Dolphins, and I gave it serious consideration, before passing.

            The bet intrigued me enough to mention it to a few hockey friends and we set up a similar version with the NHL. We decided on an auction style draft, going up from the bottom of the standings, starting each team at $5. Montreal earned the most competitive bidding, before I won it with $50. Buffalo shocked us all, when the amount jumped straight to $40. I gave a pity $5 offer for Columbus, before reselling them for $10.

            The rules are quite simple:
  • The bet continues until one of the teams wins The Stanley Cup.
  • If a team loses in the final, the owner is excused from payment for the following season.
  • Full payment is due at the start of each season, and the funds are kept in an interest bearing account.
  • An owner can opt out at anytime for any team, but may not reenter the bet.
  • Teams can be sold for equal or greater value.
  • The bet can be dissolved if all the owners agree, and money will be refunded based on contributions.

Because Canada had a miserable 2015-2016 season, every team except Ottawa was available. I ended up with four Canadian teams and hope I can get two “lotto tickets” into the playoffs each season. But, since the last of the teams to win The Cup was Colorado in 2001, this could potentially be the longest term bet I ever embark upon. Let the action begin.


Colorado
Mine
(17) resold 40
Montreal
Mine
50
Buffalo
Player R
40
Arizona
Player R
10
Winnipeg
Player (Jo)
(10) resold 25
Calgary
Mine
10
Columbus
Player (Jo)
(5) resold 10
Vancouver
Mine
(13) resold 15
Edmonton
Mine
16
Toronto
Mine
12

Update: After no winner for first three years, one owner dropped out, and his teams were resold. I added two teams and now have committed $143 every year until the bet concludes. Yikes.

Year

Me

Player R

Player Ja

Player Jo

Total(w Interest)

2017

88

50

40

10

188 (190)

2018

88

50

40

10

376 (380)

2019

88

50

40

10

564 (578)

2020

143

50

 

35

792 (827)

2021

143

50

 

35

1,020 (1,060)

2022

93

50

 

35

1,198 (1,248)


Update: 2021 marked the first time a team made the Stanley Cup Finals, when Montreal fluked their way into a deep Covid year run.