The Absolute Stone Cold Nuts?

Any half decent Hold’em player can look at a flop and determine the best possible hand. For example, if I said the flop was K-J-10, all different suits, then it would be rather easy for you to tell me that “the nuts” would be A-Q, completing the straight. This is both the right and wrong answer.

Awhile back, I was playing 1-3 NL in Tunica when I encountered a hand identical to this example. With only on opponent, I was first to act and holding A-Q with a K-J-10 rainbow flop. I checked the nuts, setting a trap. The villain was a Tunica regular, an older man whom I had played with several times before. He was a silent person who never said a word at the table and a patient player who only bet premium hands. When he put in out a small bet, my unconscious poker instincts must have felt it was slightly suspicious. I just called; the turn card brought a four and a second spade. Still holding the nuts, I checked and the silent old man bet out, bigger this time. He didn’t have much more than one big bet left in his stack, so I check-raised all in. With the speed he called, I instantly knew before he turned over his hand what I would see: a matching A-Q. However, and this is the point of this particular recollection, his hand was suited in spades, giving him a flush draw as well. So, while we both had the nuts, his hand was the absolute stone cold nuts. Fortunately, fate was kind to me on this hand and the river card was a harmless blank.

When I first started playing Hold’em, I used to laugh derisively at commentators who pointed out the potential of backdoor flush draws as even worth mentioning. Now, years later, I understand how backdoor odds must always be considered in the play of a hand. A-Q might be the best hand, but it isn’t always the absolute stone cold nuts.

My First Live Royal Flush

When I began to take poker more seriously I played mostly online. The 20-30 sit’n’gos I averaged each week dwarfed the one single live tournament I played during the same time period. Therefore, it was no surprise when I caught my first ever Royal Flush online. It was rather anti-climactic; my opponent was all-in preflop, so I didn’t even get to bet it. I guess I wasn’t surprised when I also caught my second Royal Flush online as well. Or even my third (strangely, they were all in diamonds). After awhile I began to find more opportunities to play live and I spent a lot less time in the virtual poker room, waiting for the day the Poker Gods would bless me with my first live Royal Flush.

I kept playing and loving the game while waiting and waiting for the ultimate poker hand to come my way in a live game. Because I have always been borderline obsessive about statistics and record keeping, I know the exact date: the 2nd of March, 2008 and the suit was clubs. We were playing our regular friendly .25/.5 No Limit Hold’em game. I was sitting in the big blind and everyone except the small blind folded. There was no action until the river when I hit the gutshot Royal Flush bingo card, turning my 10 high into the stone cold nuts. My opponent checked and I bet the minimum 50 cents. His cards were in the muck almost before I got my bet out. I turned over the rarest of poker hands, one that I had waited almost 400 live games to catch, and raked in the absolute minimum profit.

The appearance of a Royal Flush is among the most anti-climatic experiences a poker player can have. Probability dictates that the deck will usually be crushed and the hand will receive little action. Your best hope is that some high hand or bad beat jackpot comes into play. So, as lucky as you have to be to catch a Royal Flush, you have to be even luckier to actually get paid for it.

C’est la vie…deal.

Stepping into a Casino for the First Time

"We're goin' out where the sand's turnin' to gold"

-Bruce Springsteen "Atlantic City"

I suppose any gambler can recall the first time he or she stepped inside a casino. There is a certain spine-tingling magic that lurks in the air and fuels the lungs. Just like the yellow brick road begged Dorothy to follow, a casino’s overly imaginative carpet patterns coax visitors through a forest of neon, tables, and slots: oh my! The natural adrenaline rush of gambling can fight a body’s sleep requirement for days upon days. This phenomenon is doubtlessly the source of the urban legend that casinos pump oxygen into gaming floor.

One lazy college day some friends and I were watching the movie Rounders. This was long before I found an interest in poker and, because of a general Matt Damon repulsion (at that time), we actually found it rather boring. However, the moment Mike McDermott and Worm headed for Atlantic City, we immediately turned the movie off (or maybe we left it playing, who can say?) and headed straight for the door. We were in “America’s Favorite Playground” (as Atlantic City was called in those days) shortly over an hour later.

Wandering around Trump Plaza, I soaked up this strange, new experience which I had awakened to. I looked over all the action and tried to decide where to test my luck first. Because the $5 blackjack table was full, I put a “nickel” on the outside of a roulette spread. My bet hit and paid 2 to 1. I won my very first casino bet and was on my way to infinite riches!

When I finally got a seat on the cheap blackjack table, it was on the third base side. The action got around to me and, not knowing the game, I hit against a dealer stiff card. A small, smoky-faced wrinkled man was so upset by the play that he yelled at me, picked up his chips, and left. "Wow! This place is serious," I thought to myself as I sat like a wide-eyed deer staring down an eighteen wheeler.

All in all, my first sojourn into a gambling house was quite an experience. It goes without saying that I had a mind-blowingly good time and did my best to return as soon as possible.

A Winning Vegas Wedding

Before I had ever attended one, Vegas weddings triggered for me images of Elvis and Brittney Spears. However, after watching two friends get married in a nice little ceremony in the back of the MGM casino, I learned that even a Vegas wedding can be somewhat “traditional.” Afterward, we drank overpriced champagne before a lavish dinner at Craft Steakhouse. All in all, it was a thoroughly enjoyable time.

Because we played poker together regularly, a few of us, including the bride and groom, decided to try a tournament at Paris the following night. With five entrants, we excitedly discussed the strong chance of one of us cashing and we even pooled money for a first out booby prize. Busting first of our group was the highlight of an uneventful tournament for me, but two of us did make the final table, including the bride, who won the whole shebang! After she pocketed almost a cool thousand dollars, we strolled over to the Bellagio for celebratory drinks, railbirded a few well-known pros in their high-limit room, and then watched the famous fountain out front explode into the night sky.

Of course it takes a great deal of luck to win a poker tournament, but it wasn’t luck that propelled my friend to victory (she had used up all her luck finding a great husband). I know she won because she can play a mean game of cards, but I could never help but think there was something more to the victory. Looking at the happy couple posing with a mountain of chips and the winning hand, I get the sense that it was also the completely content state of mind found in a new bride. There is certainly a direct correlation between happiness and ability at the poker table. If you take a seat filled pessimism and distraction, you will usually lose, but if you are unencumbered with these emotional sandbags, then fortune will find you.

The Five Foot Chili Dog

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.
That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

-Ernest Hemingway

While Spain and the Netherlands battled in the World Cup final, there was a different kind of foe stretched out before me: five feet of chili dog.

The room was crowded with people, so I could barely see the game, but the chili laden beast, staring up at me with cheese-filled eyes, was impossible to miss. Beside the monster was a bevy of condiments, toppings, and a stopwatch. Sitting in a small pile and pinned under my phone there was also $215 in cash.

Sometimes, in moments like these, it’s wise to retrace your steps and to consider if bizarre circumstances like these could’ve possibly been avoided.

I have made many bets in my life, both commonplace and unusual, but this was the first time I literally put my money where my mouth is.

When a popular fast-food chain began to offer a foot long chili on its menu, I was immediately intrigued. After eating one, I began to speculate aloud how many more my hungry belly could consume. Sitting at dinner a few days later, I resumed my musings, declaring I could eat five. The gauntlet thrown, a handshake later, and the bet was on. I did some research on the internet and began training, drinking gallons of water a day and eating everything in sight to stretch my stomach. When I breezed through a three dog trial run in nine minutes, I had little doubt about my chance at success. The night before the challenge, I ate half a head of lettuce and a full bag of grapes.

I was so well-prepared, eating the chili dogs was actually somewhat anti-climactic. I cut each one in half and covered it with religiously chopped up onions and sacred jalapeno slices. My only scare came on the final half dog which had become soggy and fallen apart. The wet, chili-soaked bun triggered my gag reflex for a moment and almost got me disqualified for breaking the no puking rule. But I braced myself, piled on more jalapenos, and powered through to the last bite. It took just under 16 minutes and I felt as though I could probably do another two feet if the price was right. I sat back, collected the cash, and nursed a stomach pregnant with a chili dog baby.

It will be a long time before I undertake another eating bet and even longer before I eat another chili dog.

What’s that you say? 25 tacos? Hmmm…how much?

The Man Who Ate Cheese: The Grossest Poker Story Ever Told

A few years ago I was playing in an underground poker game when I heard the kind of story that instantly sears itself onto the brain.

The atmosphere surrounding the game, a healthy mixture of fun and danger, is important to note when considering the details of the story. It was the kind of poker game run by some midlevel bookmakers with security doors and video cameras. The guys were very friendly to all the players, but had the usual guns and muscle around to ominously back up the smiles. You know, the free pizza and soda buffet; but I tell you things got uncomfortable for a half hour one night when the cameras captured a random police cruiser flashing outside.

After a few sessions at a good game, you slowly get to know the dealers and players. Between all the bluffs and calls, the same stories are told and retold. It is a natural way to fill the silence between riffling chips. The outrageous and humorous stories passed around the table, “poker stories,” come to define players' identities as much as the way they play their hands. They are typically brief, only the duration of a hand or two, and sometimes smothered in a gravvy of bravado.

At this particular game, there was an older gentleman who was the source of the grossest “poker story” I’ve ever heard.

I first heard the story a couple weeks earlier from one of the burly dealers. Though the story borders on unbelievable, I knew it was generally believed by a group of guys who knew the subject better, and had seen far more in their lives, than I. Its disgusting details are the only reason I ever had to doubt it. True or not, it remains the grossest “poker story” I’ve ever heard.

The "gentleman" was a retired car salesman, who had likely dabbled in other, less above the board businesses. Despite the old man's advance years, he was a still a large, lumbering, who enjoyed a drink, and no doubt had experienced more than one fight in his life. Although he was battling some serious health problems, in his flippant behavior, I could detect the possibility of truth behind the tale.

Apparently, the older "gentleman" I sat beside at the poker table had been involved in a fight during his younger years. As he pounded the victim, who owed a debt, his opponent began to vomit.

Our hero was less concerned about the puke and more intent upon sending a message. From the puddle on the ground, he plucked up a yet undigested piece of cheese, and, you might easily guess... ate that cheese, right it in front of his face, just to fuck with him.

I'm not sure if after hearing these details if any of us remembered to ask if he ever got the money back.

Usually, a man carelessly wth money, as this "gentleman" certainly was, has purchaced a good share of stories in fair trade.

Dealers Are Human Too

To those unfamiliar with poker, it may come as a surprise that professional dealers make mistakes. For the most part they are like well-oiled, flawless poker machines, but for every 50 hours or so of grinding, I seem to see a mistake. I don’t mean a simple misdeal…those occur quite often. The mistakes I’m referring to are the more egregious type: misreading the board and pushing the pot to the wrong player. However, on my last run at Tunica, I saw an error that put these simple mental lapses to shame.

I was playing $1/3 No Limit Hold’em at The Horseshoe on a very busy Saturday night. It was at the tail end of an innocuous hand for what was about a $35 pot and I was only half paying attention. An elderly gentleman to my right, who had been playing solid poker all night, tossed up his cards and inadvertently hit the river card, knocking it out of place. The dealer instinctively straightened the cards, looked at them and then pushed the small pot to the gentleman’s opponent, a younger guy who seemed to be more interested in entertaining his friends sitting behind him than playing cards. No big deal, seen it a million times. After the hand was over, the attentive kid to my left told us what we all missed, including the dealer, the elderly gentleman, and the “entertainer.”

When the dealer straightened the gentleman’s hole cards,
he accidentally swapped one for the river card!

In an instant, the gentleman’s hand went from being a Q-10 to a 10-7. With another 10 on board, he still had a pair of Tens, but the “entertainer’s” hand went from a lowly Queen high to a winning pair of Queens! With the next hand underway, the table was atwitter with shocked murmurs as the events were made public.

As bad as the dealer’s mistake was, it was the gentleman’s duty to correct it immediately. From our conversation together, I knew the gentleman had been playing cards since he was 17 and his girlfriend’s mom was stealing his winnings. I can only assume he momentarily forgot his kicker and didn’t want to make a fuss over what might be nothing. In what I estimated to be roughly 50 years of poker, he admitted he had never seen that happen before, and chances were the mistake was his.

The “entertainer,” being endowed with a courteous demeanor, offered to estimate the pot size and return it to its rightful owner. The gentleman declined, apparently eager to have the incident disappear forever into the realms of poker obscurity.

Falling Up an Escalator

We have a patron down! Patron down!

 

A couple of years ago, I innocently visited Iowa for a cousin’s wedding and ended up in a bloody casino escapade.

Weddings are almost always among the most fun events to attend, especially big ones. My Iowa relatives truly went all out to make sure everyone had a great time. It was a monstrous event with a cathedral style assembly hall filled with hundreds of people. I let them know my appreciation by periodically bellowing “IOWA!” as loud as my lungs would permit. The groom’s friends, being the youngsters they are, put on a good show and even had me playing the drinking game with a dangerous punch: Flip Cup. Ahh…good times.

It had been years since I visited Iowa. Life out there has a slightly different pace to it; everything is about a half hour drivem through endless corn fields, and every breath delivers the faint hint of cow manure.

In Iowa, there seems to be a universal bonfire that you eventually discover at some point in the night. After the rehearsal dinner, I was heavily plied with alcohol when we ended up there, and somebody mentioned a casino located in nearby Des Moines. My card playing cousin was miraculously sober, so off we went.

It turns out that this beautiful country is literally infested with places to gamble; God, I love America!

Prairie Meadows Racetrack and Casino doesn’t have the opulence of Vegas or the beach of Atlantic City, but it has the only thing that matters: action. Drunk as I was, I deftly sniffed out the poker room on the top floor and was saddened to discover an hour long waiting list for the tiny room. Dejected, I returned to find my cousin parked at a roulette table with a stack of chips.

Now, I know I was severely intoxicated because I actually decided to pass the time by playing a few spins of the wheel (by the way, if you ever catch me playing roulette, I freely invite you to give me a good healthy smack in the face). However, I hit a lucky streak that night and my patented “IOWA!” cheers reverberated around the casino. I was making such a scene that people started yelling back “CAROLINA!" One woman, playing blackjack at a neighboring table, even had me placing bets for her. What can I say? Stupidity is infectious.

The hour passed rather quickly; in no time I was racking my chips and heading upstairs to claim my seat in the poker room. The difficulty arrived when I tried to utilize the escalator; in my state of intoxication, operating the device was surprisingly challenging.

My sandal refused to obey my commands and tripped on the first step; I fell hard on the sharp metal, and my chips scattered about in the chaos. Stunned at the sudden turn of events, I desperately tried to scoop them up, fearing they would be lost in the teeth of the machine as it approached the top. In the final panicked moments of the ride, I scooped up the last one and rolled forward off the final step.

Dazed, and trying to figure out what just happened, I looked up to a security guard speaking hastily into his radio:

“We have a patron down! Patron down!”

In the moments it took to force myself back to my feet, two more guards had come running. Despite the long scrapes, and blood trickling from my leg, I insisted I was fine and tried to slip around them as I counted my money. I was half sure they would try to kick me out, right then and there, through door, or even window.

When I miraculously escaped to the poker room and located my seat, I noticed all the players eyeing me with more suspicion than is typical when at a new game. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see a security guard motioning me out of the room. “Damn,” I thought to myself, but it turned out, that unknown to me, I was bleeding rather profusely from the chin, no doubt aided by the alcohol in my bloodstream.

After being bandaged, I returned to play some cards.

I’m sure the players were licking their lips to get their piece of this new arrival reeking of booze, but I had to disappoint them and showed I could actually play, even in my condition. I hit a couple of sets and ended up making a few bucks.

I’m not sure why, but the casino has a no profanity rule that my drunken attention span couldn’t seem to grasp; my foul mouth violated it worse than a hotel heiress in The City of Lights. It all goes to show how far a casino will go to keep an inebriated patron inside…as long as he is gambling.

Dude, I Can See Your Cards!

In the world of amateur poker, there are loads of players who don’t understand the basic premise of protecting their hand. They lift them too high, hold them too far out, and unknowingly show the world their holdings. Many good natured people (myself included) will be kind enough to help these players and tell them to protect their hand. I’ve seen it many times and it often becomes the source of drama…

Years ago, when I started to get more serious about the game, I organized a weekly tournament among friends. In our very first game, we all gathered around a hastily constructed table, made of two pieces, and short of chairs, the girl to my left took a low seat on the couch. It was her very first time playing the game, and, in the friendly nature of the game, she was intentionally showing me cards and even occasionally asking advice. A few hands were inadvertently lifted cards high enough that they crossed my field of vision. I wasn’t deliberately looking, but she lifted them so high, they often interrupted the casual angle of my eyes. It was just that kind of game. One hand, she lifted Kings out of the pocket. She happened to be in the hand against her husband and I watched her catch a third King and waited to see how much see could win. Then, amazingly, she decided to dump it! I was so astonished, that I made an absolutely colossal mistake; I told the table what I had seen. All the camaraderie of our group evaporated in an instant as I had all but accused the couple of cheating. As suspicious as the play was, I should have kept my fool mouth shut. To this day, there are few poker regrets I have bigger than this decision.

People often get very offended when you tell them to protect their hand. On my very first trip to Las Vegas, I was playing at the world famous Binion’s Horseshoe when the player on my right (a young guy, stinking of weed, in a Carmelo Anthony jersey) was lifting his hand way too high. Politely, I discretely told him to guard his cards, but he apparently took offense and asked to change seats. Another time, we were playing Omaha at my home game when a player made a big call and turned over Ace high to win! With two players, holding four hole cards each, the chance a simple Ace high is a winner is a marathon long shot. Everyone at the table was completely floored for a few hands before the player sheepishly confessed he had seen his opponent’s hand. He was trying to be a friend, but, as usually happens, the player took offense and stubbornly didn’t change a thing about the way he held his hand. Shockingly, he ended a loser.

When someone tells a player to protect their cards, they should be treated like a good friend. Instead of taking every dime a player has, this saint offers an olive branch worth its weight in platinum. If anyone ever offers you this token of good will, take the advice, swallow your pride, and give genuine gratitude.

"Drunkie" and Strangeness in Tunica

On a recent trip to Tunica, I sat on a poker table that epitomized the need to pick a good game. I was in no real condition to play, having worked all morning and driven all day, but I hadn’t played in awhile and had to scratch the itch. I took a seat in a $1-3 No Limit Hold’em game at Harrah’s and built my stack for a couple hours. One by one, the little fish went broke, until I looked around at the grizzled faces of local grinders and it was my turn.

There were a couple of weird hands and bizarre rulings that occurred before I went broke. A couple of younger men sat and one announced that he was teaching his friend to play. Anything said by a stranger at the poker table should be taken with a degree of skepticism, but on the first hand the “newbie” certainly went broke like a first-timer. During the hand, however, despite being warned earlier about speaking English, the men casually refused and the “newbie” chatted in an unidentified Asian language with his partner as he played the hand. The floor manager was called, but no penalty was issued and he lost the pot, so it was quickly forgotten.

The real strangeness occurred on another hand and involved the drunkest member of our table. On the turn, he faced a smallish raise from his only opponent. Our hero, “Drunkie Red Nose,” silently pushed out his remaining chips, a stack of red $5 chips, about three times the bet.

The dealer announced him all-in and counted down the bet.
“Drunkie” didn’t say anything.
His opponent thought for a moment, called, and the dealer counted out the call.
“Drunkie” didn’t say anything.
The dealer pushed all the chips together in the middle and dealt out the river.
“Drunkie” didn’t say anything.
The hands were flipped up: a third nine and good hand for “Drunkie,” but a nine with a better kicker for his opponent.
“Drunkie” didn’t say anything.
The dealer shipped the pot and shuffled the cards.

Now, after all that, “Drunkie” suddenly says he never went all-in. Hmmm…things just got spicy. The dealer, a younger baby-faced type, says it’s really too late to do anything. Yes, by rule, a single oversized chip would just be a call, but given the events and the tall stack of chips pushed out, it was the perfect ruling. The dealer should have shut it down there, but “Drunkie” insisted and the “Floor” was summoned. Amazingly though, the young dealer did such a poor job explaining the situation, and he and the manager obviously had history of some sort, that the ruling was reversed.

After a quick guesstimation, the winner was ordered to cut the approximate surplus from his stack and return it to “Drunkie”! This was an outrageous injustice! “Drunkie” never said one single word until he found out his very good hand was beaten by another slightly better hand. His opponent was so justifiably angry with the ruling that he racked up and left. “Drunkie” actually managed to make things worse, in the manner that only truly drunk people can, by apologizing. He tried to give the money back, but his opponent refused, more angry at floor than the drunken fool earnestly pushing money at him.

Top Ten Reasons to Hate Slot Machines

Here are the top ten reasons to hate slot machines:

10. They tend to attract large swarms of zombified patrons who stumble through the area and buzz about on motorized scooters.

9. They produce a distracting cacophony of dinging bells and ringing sirens.

8. After extended exposure to the noise, players begin to find it soothing and even an attractive reason to sit down.

7. The faint smell of decay.

6. They advertise themselves with large rolling progressive jackpots which belie the enormous number of life savings they have stolen.

5. Frequent player cards offer rooms, meals, and gift shop trinkets in order to deceive a loser into feeling like a winner.

4. It is easy to think their cherries, bonus rounds, and smiling Elvis faces present no real threat.

3. They are so entirely hypnotic. Eventually, players only notice the world with vague grunts and moans.

2. The machines attach themselves to person's brain so completely that a player cannot even recognize friends and family. You soon lose touch with everything else in the world...even zombies gnawing on your skull.

1. After playing for awhile, a nice warm bowl of brains begins to sound good.

Monkey Gambling

A few years ago, I met someone that swore she was “good at roulette.” When I asked what she meant, she (surprise!) couldn’t explain her special skill. Roulette can be a nice adrenaline rush as that little white ball dink…dink…dinks its way to a home, but it requires about as much skill to play as falling down the stairs (as well as some of the worst odds in the casino). The only way to beat the game involves cheating with a loaded ball, rigged wheel, or past posting. A large statistical analysis to determine biases in certain wheels is the only way to do it without cheating. Can knowing which bet on a roulette table offers the least house edge be considered a skill? If so, then the best roulette player in the world is the one that never plays. It short, there is no strategy in the game, hence, no skill. If you can work gravity, then you can play roulette about as well as anyone else.

“Monkey gambling” is a term which refers to games that have no strategy or skill component to them; a monkey has as good a chance of victory as the best player in the world. Even the basic physical mechanics of a game like roulette could be easily mastered by our hirsute cousins; pick up chip, move arm forward, and drop chip: done. A monkey could literally play the game as well as Stephen Hawking. The purest form of “monkey gambling” in a casino is the slot machine. Even pulling a handle is too much brain activity for slots players, so most machines now offer buttons for the convenience of their zombified patrons.

“Computer gambling” is at the opposite end of the spectrum from monkey gambling. This term refers to games that offer choices during play, and therefore contain elements of genuine strategy, but only one correct move. Blackjack is a computer gambling game because at any given time, there is only one best move. Given the composition of cards in the discard rack, slight variations from basic strategy are made to determine whether standing, hitting, splitting, doubling, or even insurance (a bad idea nearly 100% of the time) is the best play. The best blackjack player in the world could only be as good as a computer.

Poker is neither monkey nor computer gambling, although I’ve seen players who try each style. A couple years ago, animal trainers tried to enter a monkey in the World Series of Poker (see above). They took their chimp on television to demonstrate how it could really play poker; even though it could lift the cards and move the chips, it could not protect its hand, avoid string betting, or determine the strength of its cards. While any player at the monkey’s table would certainly beat the beast, organizers rightly refused to let the handlers enter the animal in the event. On the flipside, top computer designers have built machines good enough at poker to beat most amateur players. However, when pitted against professional poker players, the most sophisticated poker machine in the world still loses to the power of human imagination.

Top poker pro, Eric Seidel, captures this majestical element of the poker:

Imagination is at the heart of the game. Just as there is no right way to write a song or paint a picture, there is no right way to play poker. The best players are experimenting and adjusting all the time. The beauty of the game lies in this ever-shifting landscape, and it keeps us interested each time we sit down.

Now I’d like to see a computer, or even a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters, come up with that.

How to Be Drunk in a Casino

While I never advocate drinking to excess when gambling, here are a few pointers on handling the free lubrication that casinos offer.

For years I watched closely as a good friend wandered through Atlantic City and explored the nuances of these little bits of wisdom.

1) Be sure to utilize the long drive. Sure, the casinos might be a ways off, but you can take advantage of this opportunity to get properly juiced. Pick up a case of beer and, just as important, a paper cup from your local convenience store (this way those sneaky, good-time spoilers working for law enforcement will be none the wiser). This is also the ideal time to get amped up with some killer tunes that encourage serious pounding; AC/DC’s Back in Black and Guns N Roses’ Appetite for Destruction are personal favorites.

2) Just pretend you ordered that drink. Been on the casino floor for more than an entire minute and don’t have a drink yet? Sickened to death by the idea of waiting even one instant longer for a taste of more delicious alcohol? Combat this frustration by sidling up to the first waitress you spot with a friendly smile. Quickly eyeball her tray, and ask her if the (burbon/coke, gin/tonic, beer, whatever) is for you. For this move, it is essential to have a couple dollars tip visibly at the ready.

3) Use the slot machine coin cups to hold beer. Admittedly, this suggestion dates me, but the thimble-sized pittance of alcohol that some casinos offer is an embarrassment. Order two beers and when they arrive, order two more immediately. For convenience sake, combine them into one of the jumbo cups most casinos set out near the slot machines. Don’t worry about hygiene issues. Alcohol can kill anything…I thought you were a rock star anyway. And ignore the Judgey McJudgertons that you encounter; they are just jealous that they didn’t think of it first.

4) Be careful to avoid walking into mirrors. Casinos are designed like mazes to trap patrons inside and keep them gambling. Many rely upon mirrored walls, particularly around the restrooms, to create an atmosphere of luxury and the illusion of space. These facts can be extremely frustrating when drunk. For God’s sake ! Look where you’re going! And never. ever, under any circumstances, run inside! And, if you find yourself strolling toward someone wearing vaguely familiar clothing, and matching your stride step for step, don’t play a stubborn game of chicken and see who turns first.

5) Do not inquire about a dealer’s bra size. Sure, you might be having a grand ol’ time, burning experiences out of your already depleted brain cells, but it is important to remember that dealers are at work, and they might not share your exact sense of humor. Now, I know what you’re thinking; the average dealer is slightly north of petite and more than a couple years into peak menopausal activity. If you encounter one that doesn’t seem to be enjoying the party, do not try to build a conversation around the size of her brassiere. It’s large and amply filled; leave it at that. This is not a good ice-breaker.

Alcoholism is no laughing matter, but sometimes drunks can be pretty funny.

So, I have concluded, the best way to be drunk in a casino is to surround yourself with people who are drunker than you. Remember, it’s much funnier to watch someone get thrown out, than to actually get thrown out yourself.

Punching Yourself in the Face

You know I’m gonna lose and gambling is for fools,
But that’s the way I like it, baby I don’t want to live forever.
-Motörhead “Ace of Spades”

As a gigantic hockey fan, I spent a lot of my childhood getting my fix from video games.

It started with the original Nintendo’s Ice Hockey and games against my younger brother. In the mid 1990s, when Sega’s version evolved to allow the creation of players, I built every Washington Capitals roster and won the Stanley Cup Playoffs with each one. By the time college rolled around, I had a Nintendo 64 and played full seasons with my favorite NHL teams.

Through these years of practice, I naturally got better than most people; with my proclivity towards gambling, small wagers were the next logical step. I often wish I had kept records of these early bets, but am happier that my opponents did not. At the end of each session, while counting a larger number of bills in my pocket, I always wondered why they played a game that was guaranteed to lose them money.

One friend of mine started to use the video game to really explore his inner demons. His competitive nature and desire for the glorious rush of gambling eventually pushed the stakes as high as $300 per game. Yes, he improved and won many times, but as we played, my skills also increased and I naturally maintained a consistent edge. It was MY GAME after all. I was "the house," the eighty-foot-tall leviathan of statistics. Slowly, or all in one gulp, I...will...eat...you.

A couple of times, after he lost, he punched the wall hard enough for pain, and then he made a show of thinking his hand was broken. While these bizarre performances were strangely entertaining, they did not prepare me for the day he punched himself full on in the face.

It happened very suddenly, but I will never forget the savage, flesh-smacking sound of his self-flagellation. His eyes were wild and desperate as he tried to convince me to keep playing. Reluctantly, I agreed, but after another loss and another face punch, I put the controller down.

Some players use gambling to satisfy their unconscious need to punch themselves in the face. For some reason, they willingly play games they can’t win, and they repeatedly make bets that will surely lose money. All the logic, math, and rational thought in the world cannot dissuade them from pursuing this strange urge for financial self-destruction.

My friend’s face punching illustrates how this unconscious urge to lose is intimately connected with a desire for self-destruction (see Freud’s “Beyond the Pleasure Principle”).

If you like to gamble, please give yourself a long look in the mirror, and explore your true motivations. You might save yourself a good deal of money by simply punching yourself in the face.

Hockey Players Love to Gamble

As the Oakland Raiders prepared to meet the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Super Bowl XXXVII, a friend of mine called to tell me the New York Rangers had rented the Georgetown restaurant/bar he managed to watch the game. They were in D.C. after playing an afternoon game with the Capitals and because he knew I was a huge hockey fan, he invited me to watch the game also.

The entire two floor club was empty except for the players, a few girls, and a handful of random people (like me). The Rangers were easy to spot, even if you didn’t know hockey from hop-scotch, because they were very, very large, and fairly well-dressed. They sat around on the bar’s black leather couches, like hulking wise-guys, and watched Tampa’s defense dismantle Rich Gannon with a record five interceptions, three for second half touchdowns.

The final treat for the evening, aside from the exciting game and famous athletes, was the open bar which everyone abused in copious amounts (I suppose this means that I drank courtesy of the Rangers organization…thanks guys!).

The alcohol and sports mixed well to create an exciting energy; it filled the club as the Rangers took shot after shot and cheered at the jumbo television screen. It was hard to tell this team had taken consecutive beatings and was in desperate need of a playoff push.

Former MVP Eric Lindros stood quietly next to me for the duration of the third quarter. At the time, I was trying hard not to be an annoying fan, but I regret not chatting him up a little bit about his days in Philadelphia. His career was winding down because of concussions, and as he stood by himself at the bar, he seemed like the quiet type anyhow.

However, I could not resist talking to notorious instigator Matthew Barnaby about a fight he had that afternoon. I will never forget it because, as he was getting pounded in the face, he stopped fighting, looked over to the Rangers bench, and laughed like the devil’s own son (above). Barnaby was in the middle of all the action at the bar; that guy’s loose screws make him very entertaining.

The real shock of the evening was witnessing how much these hockey players liked to gamble. Many of them had thick knots of bills and yelled out strange and drunken wagers. For example, I watched one player bet a grand that a catch under review would be ruled a touchdown.

This proclivity toward financial risk is shared by many NHL players. One time MVP Jaromir Jagr lost several hundred thousand betting college football during his short tenure with the Capitals. Rick Tocchet lost his job as Phoenix’s assistant coach when his book-making operation got busted. Gretzky's "wife" was one of his clients. Of course, the NHL forgives and forgets, and Tocchet was promoted to Tampa Bay’s head coaching job this year.

Gambling with money must be a frivolous thrill when placed next to the potential for extreme bodily harm these players skate with every day. I wonder if there is any correlation between the two...

Baby Picks Derby Winner

Picking ponies has always seemed like a blind lottery to me. The 2009 Kentucky Derby certainly supports this view; Mine That Bird, a 51-1 long shot, the only gelding in the field, rode from last to first and blew by its elite competition, winning by the biggest margin in 63 years. It was the second biggest upset in Derby history and because a baby (yeah, that’s right, a fifteen month old baby!) won the most money at this year’s Kentucky Derby Party, I finally have proof that picking ponies is not a skill at all.

Each year, a good friend of mine from Kentucky hosts a lavish Derby Party to showcase his state pride. He puts together a menu of appetizers, a couple of main courses, and an incredible array of bourbons. The guys put on ties, the girls get into dresses, and we all enjoy a nice May Saturday afternoon. To add to the excitement of the event, my friend relies on me to organize a small racebook so that guests can bet on their favorite horse. This year, the smart money was split between Dunkirk and Pioneer of the Nile (the eventual second place finisher). As the race neared post time, every horse had been bet on, except three long shots. As a joke, a couple who had brought their young child in a pretty little pink dress (coincidently, also Mine That Bird’s color) gave her a dollar. She looked over the sheet, mumbled the horse’s name, and handed me the cash. The proud parents even photographed the event.

Everyone stood in open-mouthed shock, watching the long shot horse storm down the muddy final stretch, and realized that the youngest party guest had just become the biggest winner. We all cheered loudly, startling the tiny hustler, and laughed at the improbable events. Her dad and mom took another picture of me handing over the money and the toddler wandered around the room, gleefully waving tiny fistfuls of cash.

As I sat back and joked about questionable parenting, I contemplated the strange scene. It is quite possible that this was the youngest person, perhaps in the world, to pick the long shot horse, place the bet, and collect her winnings. I can’t shake the guilty vision of this young winner developing a gambling problem later in life, wandering the streets, searching the gutters for lost change, and mumbling “Mine That Bird to win. Mine That Bird to win.”

The thought passes quickly. Hey Baby! Loan me five dollars.

Kicked Out for Counting Cards

In the summer of 2004, I became infatuated with the game of blackjack. Although I had played the game a lot in the past, during drunken escapades in Atlantic City, I never took it seriously. I bought the book Blackjack for Blood and learned how to count cards. Hour after hour, day after day, I methodically trained myself to become a blackjack machine; my skill increased as I counted down hundreds of decks and played thousands of practice hands.

In that first year, I made three trips to A.C. and two to Las Vegas, playing a few hours at low table stakes. My records show that I had spread action in 13 different casinos, playing about 23 hours, with a net profit of $834.5 (a good run of slightly more than $36 per hour, but definitely no reason to quit my day job).

This is when the most interesting experience of my blackjack experiment occurred; a casino actually barred little ol’ me from play.

I had scouted out a good table in a tiny casino located at the heart of the Vegas strip called Barbary Coast. Sitting between the mammoth Caesars, Flamingo, Bally’s and Bellagio, this dinky little casino looks completely out of place; I have to believe it won’t be long before it is knocked down for another lavish coin fountain or some other pricey Vegas trinket (ok., so maybe I have a little grudge). It was 11 in the morning and I had been playing for an hour when I encountered a good deck, stacked a win on top of my bet for a max bet, and prepared for a nice little payday. At this moment, a pit boss stepped up, pushed my bet back, and said “No more blackjack for you.” As he walked off without further word, I feigned shock and looked at him, then the dealer, then the stunned old man playing to my left. What the hell? I was even down $85 for the session. I muttered that fact as I left, a little pissed, but also a little proud. The staff of a Vegas casino considered me too good to let play.

To this day, I have not figured out what gave me away. I didn’t feel any “heat.” The pit bosses didn’t even seem to be watching. Maybe the dealers spotted me…maybe my lips moved slightly as I followed the count…maybe it was too early in the morning for a player that seemed to magically pick good spots for big bets…who knows?

Thinking back over the memory, I have never been able to forget how unsurprised the man to my right was by the events. In all my years of gambling in casinos, I’ve seen a lot, but never anyone getting kicked out before, and this guy didn’t even blink. While the old man on my left sat agape, this bearded fellow placidly sat there and avoided eye contact with me. There is the strong chance that he was a shill, working for the casino, and tracking my play.

The end result of my barring was negligible; I was playing at another casino within ten minutes.

While any form of cheating in a Vegas casino is considered a felony, counting cards is not cheating. It is merely a method of using math and intelligence to gain an edge over a game and beat a casino, or, in other words, beat an industry that is so accustomed to beating everyone.

Personally, I consider counting cards to be very, very boring. My two year blackjack experiment was only relatively entertaining and the tiny stakes were only slightly profitable. By the end, I grew tired of thinking like a machine. As if my brain was ruled by binary coding, numbers dominated every conscious thought, even away from the table. Becoming a machine might be exciting for some people, but I cannot stomach the boredom.

The Biggest Bet I've Ever Made

Although I generally eschew sports betting in favor of games where I see a genuine edge, I made the spring of 2002 a big exception.

I had met a group of small-time bookies who worked at a favorite bar of mine and started placing bets on the NFL playoffs and then the NCAA basketball championship. Bars, by the way, for some reason, are terrific places to meet book makers and do a little gambling. Perhaps it’s the combination of booze, television, and time to kill, I don’t know.

I still vividly remember getting robbed in a well-known Raiders and Patriots game in the snow; Tom Brady got stripped of the ball late in the game, but it was ruled an incomplete pass. The replay clearly shows Brady touching the ball with his other hand as he checks it down! The Patriots tied the game and eventually won by a field goal in overtime, which pushed my Raiders +3 bet, but I’ve always felt like I was robbed of $200. This memory doubtlessly contributes to my healthy hatred of the Pats.

By the time the NHL playoffs started, I was ready to mix my love of hockey with some bigger action. I picked a few games in the early rounds leading up to the Stanley Cup, sometimes losing a hundred or two, sometimes winning.

When the Red Wings marched into the finals, with a roster of certain Hall of Fame players, my instincts sensed an opportunity to make some “easy” money. The Wings' bench was stocked with arguably the best collection of players the NHL had seen in over a decade (I mean, come on: Yzerman, Federov, Shanahan, Hull, Robitalle, Lidstrom, Chelios, Larionov, the young Pavel Datsyuk, and a perfect cast of role players. This was a no brainer). The deepest pit of my stomach told me that there was no way Detroit’s goaltender, Dominick “The Dominator” Hasek, would let his best chance for a Cup slide by him.

So I visited my bartender/bookie and slid him a slip of paper which said “Detroit win series $1000.” Now a thousand dollars is a nice bit of dough, but as 1 to 8.5 favorites, a Detroit loss would decimate my bankroll. If you can laugh off $8500, then more power to you. This bookie pal of mine made sure I knew the murky waters I was wading into and told me he had never seen anyone put so much on one series. What can I say? I knew they would win. As an after thought, I put another $300 on Game 1.
 

Unfortunately, Carolina shocked Detroit in Game 1, tying the game with less than a minute left and then their captain, Ron Francis, netted a goal to win a minute into overtime. The turnaround was lightning quick; I was up $300 and on my way to a nice payday, then, in less than two minutes of game time, I was facing a $300 loss and suddenly looking down a 85 hundred dollar sniper’s bullet. A powerful sense of nausea appeared in my stomach like the sickly anticipation of waiting for a roulette ball to make up its mind and finally drop.

However, Detroit only trailed in one of the next four games, won them all, and when the ball did fall nine days later, the cash was mine. All told, during the 2002 NHL playoffs, I pocketed a little over $1300 and have tried my hardest to stay away from sports gambling ever since.

The Rules of Gambling

More than twenty years ago, I discovered the thrill of gambling. As I gained experience placing all sorts of wagers with all sorts of people, various issues arose from time to time. So I developed several rules, which were initially just playful talk, for managing wise bets. However, these hard-learned rules have made me a lot of pocket money and saved my wallet from many unnecessary problems.

1) Put money on the "table."

The "table" is often literally a table, but sometimes it is merely a figurative term that refers to the physical transfer of money. Placing money on a table, or using it to purchase a ticket or chips, is the act which clearly signals intent to wager. It should remind a gambler that the decisions he/she makes have real consequences. Also, it greatly reduces the problems that surround collection and payment.

2) Don't borrow; don't loan.

This is a rule that I try to follow both at the "table" and away from it. I like to remind anyone requesting a loan that I am not a bank. Loans tax my bankroll and stress my head. I respect my friends enough not to burden them with my financial problems and expect they will do the same. Often, it is very hard to say no, especially to people I like; however, once a person gets to know me well, he/she understands that it's not personal. I am very strict not to loan to anyone because loaning to one means loaning to all. Once a person experiences the worry of carrying debt that is not theirs, he/she understands this essential rule.

3) Know the "zone."

The "zone" is a term which refers to an almost magical place where everything seemingly goes right. Often referred to as "rushing," being in the "zone" is the most terrific feeling in gambling; in the zone, every move works and every bet pays. Often times I can almost sense its arrival, like a rising tickle of adrenaline. However, it is more important to know when the rush is over, when to slow down, and when to quit playing. Not understanding when to quit is, without a doubt, the most costly mistake in gambling.

4) Never bet money that you can't afford to lose.

Gambling should be a pleasant diversion from the drudgery of the everyday. Therefore, it should never be engaged in with money needed for life's everyday essentials. Playing with money needed for food, clothing, shelter, or medication ruins the innocent enjoyment of gambling. Futhermore, this mistake can affect the chance of winning ; the fear of losing dominates every wager. Do not be tempted to try and use this fear as a motivation to gamble smarter. Breaking this important rule is often the sign of a gambling problem.